A page out of the lover's personal note copy.~ "AK"

Yea, that is the name of one very important person in my life. AK came like a gush of soft wind.. made me feel as if life was something i couldn't move forward with hadn't AK been there.

AK had been in love before. With AK's high school sweetheart.. M. M had loved AK well, but M had to leave for Canada.. and AK was left alone. I had been in love before too. But that love soon died.
Never thought in my wildest dreams that AK too, would leave me.

26th APril 2008 was the day when AK told me....about the love...we shared...and I readily told AK..that it was all so true. Though we were on internet..the moments we spent together were rare and precious...were something.. may be.. some how .. AK forgot..

these are AK's words which still pinch me hard :

okie here we go then ....



on this perfect day ......26th April 2008 ...

me (AK) announces you( A ) my sweetheart ...

How does Ak expect me to forget all that..???

AK said..

tussi to ho gaye ho pagal....le revised version of this waala scrap<<<>>>>>










we r 2gether......
free of bonds ....
free of pressures....
and on will.....



of ! course both of us know we aint be holdin hands in 3d world.......

but as such we hve been in the rain....( i hope u remeba).....in fields.......i dnt knw if ppl can have those emotions which we just felt thru the words.........



frnd ?
no .........u wan me 2 tell u everythign an whatever i feel like......to have no doubts ova it ...i will tell u ....

but i just want to remain ur AK ...nt a frnd ........

and u will be forever with me .......


You wanna know where AK is, and what happened between us?
I donot know.
Ak left me. Without even telling me. AK vanished. AK's Id was longer valid.
I didnt have Ak's number.
Ak was lost.

He forgot the way we fell in love, while it was raining. He Just forgot, how he admired me in my pink salwar. He forgot how we couldn't help looking at each other, when he saw me for the first time, from beneath my verandah....


Once I had asked AK.."What if I leave you and go away?? What If i vanish??"

Ak told me ," why u ask such questions ? when u will vanish all of a sudden .....
my first thought will be .....SHE WILL BE BACK wherever she is !!...( i ll be a lil irked also )..."

Ask AK to come back.
Please.

How dare you..

" { What the hell do you think you are? Who do you think you resemble? My dad?or my grand dad that I am supposed to listen to every little instruction you have to give me?? And how dare you even expect me to be patient while you are orating your whole lot of memorized crap that may be your forefathers have been giving away to your mothers and grandmothers...?? How dare you even think I would come over my wish of making it big in life and be just at home cooking may be some oily food stuff which would help you and your beloved brothers to add to your paunch? You trying to earn back all the money you spent on those bouquets and cakes??.. take it back you with interest .... but.... GET lost...
Ever tried spending you time in the joggers' park trying to shed some of your "obvious" weight round your thighs and belly??... and you say you are a hunk?? a stud??.. And to top it up you feel you are manly?? .. You ain't even man enough to be called a man. And Mr. whtsoeva.. take it into account that I am surely gonna give you a big electric shock when you even try to touch me. You are so darn dirty and you stink so much. Why did I even say a yes to you?? Was it all LOVE?? well.. it is all gone.. Gone with the winds... and may be i would prefer passing it on to one "Lean", "Studious".... a trust worthy.. MAN.. than sticking to you. Your multi brand glares.. don't give me even a decimal percentage of liking for you. All that could help you was, your sense of humour... but of course.. "you" now look like a "joke in motion" to me..Your hulk of a bike...has nothing to do with me feeling great about having you in my life. You are one big.......JERK. And if you still do not know, I dont need you anymore. You can kindly just puch off... Just get the hell out of my life. And dare not come back. } "

I was thinking all of this when one of my friends was telling me her story of her guy asking her to give up her salsa classes, her job, and to start learning to make some food item... so that after marriage she could do it all day long. He wanted her to let her parents know that she should bring at least a lakh or two to establish her life soon after the nuptial ceremonies. She asked me to place myself in her shoes and think.. of what would I do.

I know i am violent. But im ok with it.

Somethings said, and most of it unsaid.

[Two of them sitting in a park They are friends. They are.. umm.. well.. a little strange]

Girl>
In love, can it happen that the guy, says that he feels a little absurd when the girl cares for him, when he himself cares for her and it shows?

Boy[thinking, my god...Should i answer that?...clears throat]>
Amm.. well, guys are immature, they know it, but don;t like being protected snd cosseted for that makes it very apparent...[smile]...

Girl[smiles]

Boy> Not fair.. these are secrets... [laughs]

Girl>[chuckles]
And when he is caught red handed, he says that it is some "principle" that he follows... [laughs] Men will be men..

Boy>[slightly frowning]
Indeed for if hr doesn't he is dismissed as ruthless,and if he does, he is protective and possessive..alas.. Women would be women..

Girl>
And when he talks about "space", he is being sensible, but when she does, she definitely has some second affair.. Men I tell you.

Boy>
You must be talking about the "man" and not men..[winks]

Girl>
The "the man" for me, hasn't even come in my vicinity. Nor has his clone. Not even his Wannabe clone...

[thinks..]
Boy[about to speak]

Girl>
In fact, there couldn't ..rather shouldn't be a clone to him..[smiles]

Boy>
Hmmmm.. Better....[winks]

Girl>
I know I cut you short on the long speech you were preparing.....aam...well..guessing you know.. [winks]

Boy>
Could be. Well yea, high possibilities..

Girl>
Ahan.. Make up is a good way to hide wrinkles. [winks] I like it...

Boy>
And now you are nubile.. Cheeni kum? [winks][laughs]

Girl>
What? where did that come from? And no.. ..Slightly little more sugar please.. I like it a little sweeter..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, what was all this?
Somethings, are just so pretty... just so wow... just so..............ummm well... let it be in the heart...

From time to other times..

Nothing is static. Nothing stays forever. Nothing lasts forever. Yea awrite, that bit was an inspiration from Sidney Sheldon. Look I am honest to admit it. But then coming back to why was I saying it at all. There have been things which can keep a mind rattled for hours, sometimes weeks together. There are again a separate set of stuff which keep you engrossed for months or may be years together. Now, these things are generally thought to be as, depressing and blue thoughts. But no. There can be a difference. And a big one at that.Can be a strange difference. No.?
Like I will give you an example.

I bet you would remember , that one hot "paratha" your mom made for you, and served it to you, with some tasty "aam ka achar". Or you would forever remember what your first boy friend or girl friend did for you to make your birthday special. Or you would surely, remember all taht makes you feel even a little happy. And at times, some of these instances, keep you engrossed for a lifetime.

Like, this one incident. I had begun loosing it all at some point of life. There was this guy in my class. And I am not the kind of girl who calls her "classmates", "friends". But somehow, he became a great friend. A very good one. And we ate tiffin together. We played all silly pranks on each other. We did all nuisance. We were just awesome together. In a class play we even played husband and wife, who would always fight. And truly enough we always fought. We always said irritating things about each other, but nevertheless we would not leave each other alone for even a fraction of a second at school. All our friends thought we were in love. But the fact is, we were not. And trust me, come over all movie fancies, there can be such great intimate friendship. He was one such. One day he told me that someday he would go away from the country, and that I would have no such great a best friend ever. I laughed it out. And truly he went away. He went away from the country , he went away from the school, he went away from me. And before going, he told me that he loved me. I was stunned. I could expect it from anybody but not him. But the truth is that, i wasn't in love with him. And i felt bad for him. And I felt bad that i felt "bad" for him. I always thought we were meant to make fun of each other. It took him some good time and some terrible fights, to make him understand that I wasn't the girl for him. And he understood. He has had about 25girl friends since then. And not it has been about two years.

But see, We are friends again. Though net friends now. But still, the friendship has carried on, on a good note. Look how things captivate your life? The very fact that I said all this out, proves it.

And again, I was reading a certain book. It took such a toll over my thoughts, that I could not continue reading it. I just could not. It took me to some other world, from where I could not return. I struggled to avoid all such thoughts which killed me and my inner self.But I wasn't. SO I stopped reading it exactly at the point of time when I thought that I would die if I did not drown into its dark ecstasy. I won over it. I won over my fear of loosing myself. I emerged as myself yet again. I have the memories of smiling to myself, when I realised that I had done it.That now, no thing could bind my senses. It was just me and me. It still is.

Look how captivating some things are? Such things are going to let me feel good about myself forever.

Life, is fascinating. It moves from time to other times...

enuf o butter gimmer sum cheese now..

I dunno how many o u wil undrstnd this... but here goes...

My latest poetry...

Jis shaqs ko bhi jaan gaye hum,
usne humein jana nahi..
Jaan bhi gaya ho agar ,,
Usne apna mana nahi
Yaadein sanjokar uski,
jab hum aagey badhne lagey..
Usne humari raah ko,
Apni raah mana nahi..
Kisine humein pehchaana nahi..

Pehchaan humari, unke liye,
Ban gayi ek sawaal,
Jo pooch baithe woh har kisise se,
Kiya kuch aisa kamaal,
Ki bharosa humara khud par se hi,
Uthne laga tha..
Dilasa nahi tha humko koi,
Dil tut ne laga tha...
Aise halaton mein bhi,
Kisine apna mana nahi..
Dil ke tukde karte rahe,
Par jodna jana nahi..
Kisine humein pehchana nahi..

Lessons

Not being able to defy yourself at times can be so annoying. Some times, you just feel like not taking hints, but then, the nature of the hints is just so "......" that you cannot overlook. You really do not want to fall for the same conclusion again. but some how this same conclusion sounds so different this time. Yo keep convincing yourself that whatever you feel is wrong and has nothing to do with reality. You keep telling yourself that it is just a "Waking wish fulfillment". But your inner feeling captivates your mind and soul.
All this might happen to any human. It is natural. For some good time I have been disturbed over an issue. And now I feel so confident that I am over it.
Here is a list of things I learned.

*The biggest love is self love. However selfish that may sound.

*You have to beat the hell out of an insane person to set him straight.

*At times, even your family members would not understand what you feel. They would itch the hell out of you. Would humiliate you in front of every non sense... At that time, you can not help loosing your temper.And if you do, you are humiliated more.

*It is OK to have terrible verbal fights, using all sorts of slangs, when you know that would help fight for your cause.

*There is gender bias everywhere.

*You must not expect your parents to agree with anything you say.

*You were born alone. You will die alone.




Truth often stings.

Wht d heck

omg..i do not blv this... lol.. dnt ask me wht hppnd... u wont blv me...

lol..


shay..i was already dreamin of it.. i knew dad wud bring along tht choco pastry and tht tart... for us.. i knew i knew.... :D and I also knew tht i wud have my new iPOD today... goodness.
I knew I would be given new cell too.. i was just too sure of it... had my dreams ready...lol...

man....u won;t blv this...i wanted all tht n i knew it wud happen..

but none of it did.